Feeling a little sombre and somewhat overwhelmed. Much as I love my life, wife, family and farm...hard to explain. Maybe just the culmination of a few things this weekend? I think that I just need to put these feelings out there to let go.
Yesterday, on 7's Sunday Night, I was looking forward to a story about Raw Milk. I certainly got caught off guard by the first story - about bullying. It was quite devestating to watch Olivia's story unfold (of which I was previously unaware). Having personally come out the other side of clinical depression, I will be forever grateful that suicidal tendancies never had a hold over me. I feel so powerless to help, despite the empathy I have for those battling mental health issues.
So often, with the benefit of hindsight, we relfect on the obvious signs, and lack of action we could have taken. I now find myself with a heightened awareness of subtle signs in another's struggles. That still doesn't put me in a position to make the difference I'd sometimes like. I simply don't have the tools required. While I was always open about my condition during recovery - I will just as openly suggest that someone seek proffessional help, or simply ask if they're ok. Some have acted on my advice - others were unwilling to receive help. So be it. You simply cannot force a lasting recovery on someone who is not yet ready.
There is not doubt that the experience of depression is as real as it is different for all who have suffered it. Irrational and ilogical thoughts make perfect sense, as they run on an endless loop. Seeing clear of the 'fog haze' seems an unreasistic goal. The physical fatigue leaves you thinking there may only be months left to live. An attempt of suicide may be the inevitable conclusion - when viewed as the obvious...or in fact only solution. From the outside, we can never justify such action. We will never understand this path. From within - it was undoubtably the selfless outcome by which all others would benefit. If only they knew the truth.
The saddest reality is that a victim's best intentions to leave a lasting impression doesn't hit the intended target - to make a stance - to prove a point. Their internal thoughts are so severely corrupted, that their subsequent actions are equally misplaced. Their 'truth' is...false. Their desire to impress those who care least becomes overwhelming. In Olivia's case - the bully could care less. Bullies thrive on the knowledge that pain has been inflicted - they did 30 years ago - they will in 30 years time. Mission accomplished.
Enough of the excuses! We live in denial - and justify actions. Pointing the finger...laying blame...What ever happened to good old fasioned 'responsibility'? Maybe the time has come for its reintroduction to mainstream acceptance?
As a society, we seem to be focusing all our energies on the wrong end of the problem - the BULLY! Why feed their need with any sort of recognition? The victims should be comfortable in the knowledge that they need not feel compelled to seek approval or acceptance of bullies. That message needs to be instilled years in advance. A strong sense of self - an even stronger sense of unconditional love.
Beyond that remains a helplessness that will exist forever.