I really do feel strongly, when that special someone comes along...she can't be a jealous girl. She has to be ok with the fact that I have two beautiful children. She has to be ok with the reality that I will have an ongoing relationship with my ex-wife, hopefully as a good friend at some point down the track. I do have many great memories with her - she played a starring role in my life. There were some incredible experiences we shared intimately, they will always be with me. Much like some of the greatest hits from musicians...the songs play on long after the relationships end. Sonny & Cher "I got you babe", Ike & Tina Turner "Nutbush City Limits", Shane Nicholson & Kasey Chambers "Once In A While". Sadly they're no longer together, but they made some great music while they were!! The good times are very real when they are happening - the memories will last a lifetime.
This life changing event did in fact lead to the darkest time in my existence. Despite my ongoing battle with depression, and willingness to share openly of my story, I genuinely believe that for the first time I experienced suicidal thoughts. It was very real to me, and yes it was very frightening. My life purpose seemed no longer to exist. I didn't feel like a lost a part of who I am...it actually felt like I lost all of who I was. In doing so, the will to live, the need to stay on planet earth no longer seemed relevant to me. Of course those feelings were very real, and I had to acknowledge them for what they were - FEELINGS. They were however not my truth, and I had to find a way to stay in the game...until those feelings passed. At a time when I felt most vulnerable, I made a conscious decision to not have a single beer...until. That was only for a couple of weeks - and I believe my mental stability bounced back fairly quickly, as I continued to feel DOWN but not OUT!!
One of the most daunting prospects for me has been to accept that I am again single. Although many would perceive me to be bubbling with confidence, I grew up a very shy, insecure teen - and even into my early 20's. I spent most of my formative years thinking 'I am not worthy', wishing I was better looking, taller, more confident. My self-esteem was almost non-existent, and by the ripe old age of 23, I totally believed I would die an old bachelor :( So despite working hard on myself over the years, and developing a level of self belief in my abilities - all those feelings of insecurity came flooding back. Again I must acknowledge them for what they are...yes they are feelings - but they need not be my truth, or my reality. If you understand that my wife was only my second ever girlfriend, and the first one I shared physical intimacy with - you might be able to get a grasp of my fears. I have joked in recent years, "I wish I had enjoyed this level of confidence in who I am way back when I was single!!" Note to self...be very careful what you wish for!! Now I am again single, it doesn't feel too exciting at all.
I don't know that I will ever understand why my wife and I couldn't resolve our issues. However my commitment to a core belief remains rock solid..."All thing happen for a reason". To understand is unimportant, to accept is critical. It's a bit like unconditional love. There are people in your life who you will continue to love without question, at times despite their actions, or your ability to comprehend their actions. In this situation, for me to not submit to complete acceptance would simply paralyse me - to have me suspended in a state fit for the living dead. I don't choose that for my life, and I definitely hope my wife can soon find her way clear of the pain too. Honestly I never imagined that the old say, "Happy wife, happy life", would translate to getting rid of me. But hey, if that leads her to true happiness, that's a great outcome. I still want that for her - even today.
One of the most fascinating things I've had to work through in recent weeks is my perception. The hardest part to cope with has been letting go of the illusion of what I wanted in life. I'm sure most of us dream of the perfect relationship with a life partner. To be cut loose from such a long term relationship is absolutely terrifying. It felt like having your parachute cords cut, and going into freefall a few thousand metres above the ground. But what if you weren't flying so high after all, and the cords cut were the ones holding you down? That is the power of perception. Perhaps only now that I've been cut loose can I truly soar high. I also believe that sharing life experiences makes a huge contribution to the lives closest to you...for better or worse. If positively aligned, this can be incredibly uplifting. I guess it can therefore have an equally destructive contribution and drag you down should your life directions change.
Today I find myself fighting a battle much bigger than 'me' on a daily basis. Sadly what seems to energise me was depleting my wife. I think she understands that the old me no longer exists...and he's never coming back. Farmer Gregie the Superhero (in his own little bubble!!) hosting farm tours and speaking out publicly about the injustices inflicted on Aussie farmers nationwide, is here to stay. I will continue to make things happen to the best of my ability, I do accept as John Lennon sang so eloquently in 1980..."Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". I am still a hopeless romantic, and believe in old fashioned love. I have a quiet confidence that the right woman will one day pop up in my circles, and I'll be thrilled to have her join in on this magical mystery tour that has become my LIFE!!
Farmer Gregie ;)
Music will always mean a lot to me...preach it Garth!!!